By Steve Moran

My 92-year-old stepfather, Gary, is now living in the best residential senior living community in Sacramento. Six beds and at least two people on staff, nearly 24 hours per day. They’re doing a great job of caring for him — he’s physically much healthier than when he was living with me.

He still wants to be home with us, though he would be hard-pressed to articulate this feeling, in spite of the fact that he was doing less well and we were running on the ragged edge, not doing that great a job. He has no recollection of the falls he took or the infections he had that resulted in hospitalization.

The Thanksgiving Dilemma

As Thanksgiving approached, we decided to have a big Thanksgiving bash at our house, expecting 20-30 people. The big question we faced: bring Gary home for Thanksgiving or leave him in his community? For me, it wasn’t much of a choice. I couldn’t imagine leaving him there while we were all socializing and gorging ourselves.

The staff at the community told me that many residents didn’t go home — something that surprised me. I should have paid more attention.

The Celebration

My brother and his wife picked him up and brought him home. He settled into his usual chair and mostly just wanted the celebration to unfold around him. People would stop and visit with him for a few minutes. We made sure he had snacks and drinks.

He joined us at one of the tables for dinner. Everything seemed fine.

When Everything Fell Apart

As things were winding down and people were starting to leave, my brother and his wife joined Gary at the table to continue their visit. It wasn’t long before they came to tell me that Gary was really upset about having to go back to his community.

He got the idea that he had been living in my house and was being kicked out and taken that evening to someplace new. They tried to explain that he was going back to his community, but the entire conversation was rapidly deteriorating.

I wasn’t there when the conversation started — maybe it didn’t matter because it would have turned bad no matter what.

The Accusations

He didn’t want to leave. He was mad. He told me he felt like he was being abandoned.

I walked him through why we moved him into the community. He, of course, didn’t remember any of the bad things that happened while living with us. Originally, my brother and his wife were going to take him back, but they were overwhelmed. He was feeling horrible, and I was feeling horrible and guilty about how awful he was feeling.

I kept reminding myself that, as horrible as he felt, by the next morning, he would remember none of it.

On the drive back, he told me he felt completely abandoned and that he was sure it was the end of our relationship. I assured him that wasn’t true.

Back to Reality

Once we got back to the community, he recognized it and recognized his room with his things. He was still pretty unsettled, but it was better. He looked so sad as I walked out of his room.

When I got home, I helped with some cleanup and headed to bed, where I tossed and turned half the night, feeling guilty and inadequate.

The Truth About Dementia Care

I felt like I was abandoning him after dropping him off.

I knew that he was in the best possible place.

I felt like a jerk.

I knew that in the morning, he would have no memory of this horrible evening.

I felt guilty.

I knew I would continue to feel bad for days or weeks.

I knew I was doing the very best for him.

I knew we were no longer able to care for him at home.

I was reminded that no matter how much money you have, some things are simply not fixable.

I was profoundly grateful to have the support of my wife, my family, friends, and some of the most amazing dementia leaders in the senior living space.