By Jack Cumming

At first, one might think that being among people, even a crowd, would lift the malaise of loneliness. Many in senior living promote congregate living as an antidote for loneliness. After all, in the current canard, loneliness is compared with smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Selling the Life

That comparison was used by U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy to try to get people’s attention to an emerging problem. Congregate living sales quickly latched on to the simile and gave it not only currency but also the credibility that comes from frequent repetition.

General Murthy’s attention-getting mortality comparison was itself based on a “meta-analytic” study by three researchers, none of whom is an actuary. The authors concluded simply that “The influence of social relationships on risk for mortality is comparable with well-established risk factors for mortality.” The comparison with smoking was a creative attention-grabbing extension apart from the paper itself.

When I was young, the sociological book The Lonely Crowd was widely read, discussed, and much in vogue. I was then living happily in New York City. I was not lonely, as Dave Riesman, the author, suggested I should be. I had good friends in the building where I lived and friendly colleagues where I worked.

Reality

Now I live in a CCRC in California. The widespread marketing use of countering loneliness as a reason for CCRC residency has led me to reflect on what Riesman started and what the Surgeon General has brought to more modern attention.

Conclusion: Loneliness is an emotional state of mind. It’s not a scientifically predictable consequence of a lack of socialization. As such, it likely has its roots in infancy and has to do with how our social acclimation leads us to feel loved, accepted, cared for, or consequential.

Triggers

Here are some of the loneliness triggers that I’ve observed occur in senior housing.

  • Age-related loneliness: As people age in place, there comes a time when they are no longer as agile or as interesting as some of the younger, newer residents. That can lead to isolation. They are no longer as welcome as they were as tablemates at meals. They may have early signs of cognitive decline. As others avoid them, older residents can experience plummeting self-esteem. That can lead to withdrawal, loneliness, despair, and more. Question: What can be done to ensure that everyone feels valued and included?
  • Nonconformity loneliness: The bulk of the residents, say, in a CCRC, are content with their choice and happy to leave decisions to management. We might consider them complacent. Of course, not all residents are complacent. Some new residents arrive expecting to have an impact. Still, conformity and a gift for small talk help people to fit in.
  • Survivor loneliness: One of the more difficult aspects of living in a CCRC is the periodic deaths that occur. After a period of years, a surviving resident will have lost most of the friends made initially. Among them may be close friends, even a spouse. Sometimes, as longtime residents, they are avoided by newer residents who seek their friends among other new residents. Survivor loneliness is generally left unaddressed, though some CCRCs do have bereavement programs.
  • Irrelevance loneliness: One of the attractions marketed by most CCRCs is freedom from chores and responsibility. For many residents, that’s just fine. But, for others, the constraints on meaningful involvement can take a toll. They may come to believe that their lives no longer matter. They can lapse into the loneliness of despair.
  • Political loneliness: Sadly, very sadly, in a politically divided nation like what is now rampant among many Americans, differing opinions can lead to alienation. Unfortunately, that has led to a new phenomenon in which friendships can end abruptly merely on suspicion that the shunned person holds a contrary opinion. Political loneliness is new for most of us of the current generation.
  • Solo Aging Loneliness: We’ve mentioned survivor loneliness, but many people today are aging without children or others to look after them as they approach old age. Some people are happy with solitude and love their alone time. They are emotionally self-sufficient. While others have loving children to look out for them, the solo ager may be dependent on the CCRC management, while that same management may deny that caring for those alone is a management responsibility. A CCRC can become a very lonely place.

You can likely think of other examples from your own life. For example, you may be going through a period of self-doubt at work and wondering if your boss would rather you were gone. That can evolve into a very lonely experience. Similar self-doubts can infect people aging in a CCRC. The scourge of loneliness is one which the industry and those who live in communities would be wise to rethink more deeply than just assuming that people should fit in, and if they don’t, it’s their responsibility for being difficult. We are at our best when we care about each other.

Personal Note: As a thinker, I engage actively with the senior living industry. That makes me a nonconforming outsider. My thesis advisor in college saw that quality in me and had me read Colin Wilson’s The Outsider. It follows that my thesis was on Hermann Hesse. The kindest thing that many residents ascribe to me is that I am like Don Quixote tilting at windmills. I hope it’s not that futile.