By Jack Cumming
Oma and Opa are the German words for Grandma and Grandpa. They carry with them connotations of home, heritage, love, indulgence, and guidance. Since I speak German in addition to English, my grandchildren called me Opajack. As they became adults, I encouraged them to call me “Jack,” but they’ve stuck with Opajack.
The OPA Belonging Formula
That’s not the point of this article, though. The point is wisdom gleaned from Sharon Johnson. Her focus was on how to give meaning to people living with dementia, but her formula for giving meaning to those late in life applies to all of us. Perhaps, there is a fine line between what seems normal and what we consider abnormal.
The formula is simple: OPA. I like to think there’s a corresponding OMA. Sharon tells us that the way to connect with someone is to ask their Opinion; then to follow up by learning what their Preferences are; and then, finally, getting their Advice. Of course, this has to be done as a peer, human to human, and not as a condescending superior humoring an inferior.
What Would You Advise?
Think about it. There’s nothing more flattering that you can do than to ask someone for advice. Immediately, you open a path toward trust between you. Asking for advice shows mutual respect, and it preserves the dignity that all human beings deserve to have.
Think of how dehumanizing it can be to live in a locked memory facility. We may respond, “It’s for your own good. We don’t want you to be a danger to yourself.” Doesn’t that remind you of childhood when you were told, “I’m telling you this for your own good”? Back then, we wanted to experience the forbidden for ourselves so we could learn instead of just being taught.
Frailty and Nuture
It doesn’t have to be a memory care setting, though. We can have similar feelings when we encounter someone who is merely frail. That happened to me recently when I was moving through Salt Lake City between flights on my way home from the Boston LeadingAge meeting. I stumbled and started to pass out, so I dropped into a seat.
I wanted to recover my wits and get oriented so I could make my way from gate A24 to gate B28, which turned out to be a very long distance. Two women saw my collapse and rushed to me immediately, wanting to get help. I only had to allow my aging heart time to catch up to the demands of the stress and physical effort I was placing on it.
Their efforts were well-meaning and insistent. I was moved by their nurture. But I wasn’t ready to be helpless, so I persisted. Eventually, I was able to traverse the mile-long walkway between gates on my own. I was proud. I did it myself. But the encouragement of those nurturing women lingers with me and lifts my soul.
Staying Strong
This is the dilemma of old age services. Older people still want to be functional. They still want to have purpose and meaning. Well, maybe many do. There are others who are ready to just be dependent. They are the ones who get handicapped placards for their cars even before they really need them. But those like me, who were brought up to be resilient and self-sufficient, fight on, struggling to retain dignity and self-respect.
When you meet someone with whom you want to connect, you can give them that sense of dignity and belonging with Sharon Johnson’s OPA formula. Ask them their opinion about something, find out their preferences, and then ask their advice. Truth to tell, the OPA formula works with most people. Try it out in your daily lives.
Listening to You
In Boston, David Brooks, the keynote speaker, counseled us to become better listeners. He spent an hour telling us how we might get there. Still, while he was speaking, I kept thinking of Sharon Johnson and her simple OPA formula.
That leaves us with OMA. I’m having trouble with that “M.” Can you help me out? If you have a suggestion for what the M in OMA might mean, let us know below. We’d love to know, and we’d love to hear from you.
Thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful article. I love the idea of expanding the concept to “OMA”! I think the “M” could stand for Meaning. Questions like “What does this mean to you?” or “What do you think the artist meant to say when he created this?” (when viewing a piece of art for example) can deepen engagement and help people feel truly seen. Authentic curiosity creates a wonderful window for connection! I’d love to hear what others think the “M” could represent.
I would suggest memories or motivation as possible words. I think meaning would fit best as mentioned above.
Since Oma and Opa are German for Grandma and Grandpa, perhaps the m and p could specify the distinct difference between maternal and paternal advice.