By Steve Moran

A couple of weeks ago, we published an article I wrote, and an industry friend sent me a sort of teasing email about my inability to stop ticking off (he used a slightly different term) the senior living industry.

I am going to do it again …

A few weeks ago I came across this post on LinkedIn that — as a family caregiver — really set me on fire.

The unofficial guide to family members of senior living residents.

(Written with complete love. Obviously.)

The Guardian. Has power of attorney and a laminated copy of it. Has visited twice this week. Has requested to speak with you three times. Has very specific opinions about the temperature in hallway C.

The Ghost. Has not visited since November. Calls every Friday at 4:57 PM to check in. Is always “just about to come see Mom.”

The Expert. Just read a WebMD article. Would like to discuss your clinical protocol. Has some thoughts about the medication schedule. Has never worked in healthcare. Is not deterred by this.

The Escalator. Goes directly from “I have a small concern” to “I am calling the state” without any stops in between.

The Apologizer. Starts every sentence with “I’m sorry to bother you but—” and then asks you to completely restructure your dining program.

The Resident Whisperer. Is certain their parent is unhappy. Their parent has told you multiple times they are very happy. This person knows better.

The One Who Gets It. Shows up quietly. Learns the staff names. Brings cookies for the night shift. Cries in the parking lot so their parent does not see it. Says thank you when they leave.

That last one? They are why the rest of us stay.

Which one did you meet this week?

What This Post Gets Completely Wrong

I want to be fair. The post is clever. Anyone working in senior living will recognize every single one of these characters, and yes, some of them are genuinely exhausting to deal with.

But clever isn’t the same as right. And this post … funny as it is … teaches your team something dangerous: that family members who push back are the problem.

They are not the problem. They are the opportunity you keep throwing away.

The Story I Can’t Get Past

Let me tell you about “The Escalator.”

The post describes someone who goes directly from “I have a small concern” to “I am calling the state” without any stops in between. The implication is clear; this person is an overreactor. A drama queen. An exhausting human being you just have to manage.

Here’s my experience as the caretaker of someone in senior living.

I discovered that my stepfather had gone nearly four weeks without a shower. Four weeks. I did not go straight to the state. I went to leadership first and gave them the chance to respond. They made excuses.

I didn’t call the state. Now I wish I had.

So when you roll your eyes at “The Escalator,” ask yourself an honest question: what happened before they escalated? Because in my experience, nobody starts at the state. They got there because someone like you dismissed them first.

The Real Story Behind Every “Type”

“The Guardian. Has power of attorney and a laminated copy of it …”

Maybe if you had taken the time to understand their role and what they need to accomplish, this person wouldn’t be nitpicking. Or maybe they might even have a point. Maybe they could become your biggest fan, sending you a steady stream of great new prospects.

“The Ghost. Has not visited since November …”

Maybe this person is caring for an abusive parent, doing the right thing, making sure Mom isn’t on the streets since no one else will. Maybe they’re a single parent working two jobs, barely making ends meet, so exhausted they simply don’t have the energy. Or maybe they have visited, and Mom’s dementia has progressed to the point where they don’t know what to say or how to act.

“The Expert. Just read a WebMD article …”

Maybe in doing their own research, they came across something that could actually make things better. Or maybe the hospice nurse prescribed a drug that will make things worse, because way too many hospice nurses solve every problem with another medication, and this family member is the only one paying close enough attention to notice.

“The Apologizer. Starts every sentence with ‘I’m sorry to bother you but …”

This one might actually tell you more about your culture than about them. When a family member feels they have to apologize before raising a concern, that’s a signal. It means they’ve learned from you, from your team, from the way they’ve been received before, that concerns are not welcome here. That’s worth sitting with.

“The Resident Whisperer. Is certain their parent is unhappy …”

We need honesty here. There are residents who put on a happy face with staff because they’re afraid that if they complain, they will be treated badly. It happens. So how about this: when the “Resident Whisperer” comes to you with concerns, you actually pay attention and see if you can make it better instead of using the resident’s own fear-based politeness as evidence against their family.

The Cookie Problem

Now let’s talk about “The One Who Gets It.”

Shows up quietly. Brings cookies for the night shift. Never makes a fuss. Says thank you when they leave.

They are why the rest of us stay.

Read that again. The post is telling your team and telling your industry that the ideal family member is the one who never complains. The one who shows gratitude. The one who brings treats.

The one who, in other words, makes your job easier.

That is a deeply dangerous message. Because what you’re actually training your team to value is compliance over accountability. You’re telling them that the family members who ask hard questions, who push back, who refuse to accept a non-answer are the problem. Something to be managed and mocked in LinkedIn posts.

Meanwhile, those are exactly the people most likely to catch something you missed. They are the ones who notice when a resident hasn’t had a shower in four weeks.

Your Complainers Are Your Best Asset

Every business in the world has people who complain. And the ones who can make you truly better are not the ones bringing cookies.

When people complain, you have two choices: see them as troublemakers making your life harder, or see them as people who want things to be better and believe you’re capable of it. The vast majority of complainers are in that second category.

They leave Google reviews. They talk to friends and acquaintances about your community. They shape how their entire network thinks about senior living as an industry. You can dismiss them, roll your eyes at them, give them clever nicknames on LinkedIn, and none of that will make a single thing better.

Your agitators want you to be better. 

And when you are better, they will become your biggest evangelists. They will make it possible to reduce your paid advertising to nothing. They will save you tens of thousands of dollars in referral agency fees.