By Steve Moran

I am not at all quite sure what is happening to me when it comes to the LeadingAge National Convention. It is for sure not the fault of LeadingAge.

Last year (2024) I had my flights booked, an Airbnb reservation, and a bunch of events lined up. Three days before my departure date, I came down with Covid. I sat around the house browsing all the photos, which was its own kind of self-torture.

I was determined this year would be different.

The Setup

Flights booked, hotel reserved, plans made. It was my third conference in three weeks, and I had been dragging through all of them. I just didn’t feel like my usual high-energy self. I chalked it up to being older, having attended maybe 200 conferences in the last 10 years, and having a lot of moving parts in my life.

I landed in Boston just before midnight, made it to my hotel, and was asleep by about 1 am. Skipped the earliest breakouts, and as soon as I hit the convention center, I started running into old friends, but I simply didn’t feel right, perhaps like I was walking in a fog.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I was just dragging. More sitting and staring out into space than any conference I had ever attended. I felt like I was in a kind of zombie state.

Did a few short videos, dragged through a few rows of tradeshow booths, and found each human interaction was so, so hard.

When Everything Fell Apart

I went back to my hotel on Tuesday evening, planning on heading out to some evening events. I was so tired, I had a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup, and was in bed by 9 pm, sure I would be fresh and ready to go for a 9:30 am breakfast meeting with an old friend.

The night was terrible. Couldn’t sleep, my stomach was in fits, slight fever. I wondered if I should go to the emergency room, but the thought of being in the hospital 3,000 miles from home was as unbearable as being sick.

Wednesday, I woke up feeling worse. Canceled my breakfast. Moved my flight to Wednesday afternoon and begged the hotel to let me stay until it was time to head for the airport. Thank you, Courtyard Marriott, for doing that.

My wife made a doctor’s appointment for me first thing in the morning, and by 9 pm Wednesday, I was in bed, vacillating between thinking I was going to die and hoping I would.

The Long Road to Answers

I canceled all my work obligations, including my Friday livestream, and instead spent those two days sleeping and attending medical appointments.

By Friday afternoon, it seemed pretty clear I had some bleeding going on in my stomach. The doctor gave me two options: go to the hospital and start the process of getting an endoscopy, or wait until after the weekend, and he would get me a stat appointment for the procedure on Monday, giving my body a chance to heal on its own.

At first I picked the stay-at-home option, but after talking it over with my wife, I decided the hospital was a better option.

More blood tests, with the results all showing the same thing — a bleed someplace, but probably my stomach. Lots of prep through the night; couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get warm. Finally, early in the morning, my wife brought me my cold-weather backpacking down sleeping bag, and for the first time in many hours, I stopped shivering.

Saturday morning found me in the GI lab with cameras being shoved down my throat and up my butt. Yes, I was sound asleep.

What 4,000 Words Per Minute Sounds Like

Researchers speculate that the voices running through our head play at a rate of around 4,000 words a minute — compared to speaking 110-150 words per minute. They were full speed ahead all night long. While I had no fear that I was in imminent danger of dying, I kept wondering if they were going to find something massively wrong with me that would shorten my life and degrade the quality of the rest of my life.

I was at least mildly scared, and my wife was much more scared than I was.

It has been said that human suffering can be a powerful time of introspection and enlightenment.

Here’s What I Learned:

Family is more important than anything. I knew my wife would be there no matter what.

I was more worried about them than myself. I was more worried about the impact something terrible would have on my wife and the rest of my family than the impact it would have on me.

I have lived a good life. My life has been far from perfect, but a good life, one where I have had joy and pleasure and made a positive impact on the lives of others. If I died, I would not feel like I wasted my life.

People showed up. I posted on Facebook with some reluctance, but felt like I needed prayers. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who responded, who said in effect, “I am worried about you,” “I am thinking about you,” “I am praying for you,” “I have your back.”

Love is tangible. I was touched by the number of people who were willing to drop everything and come help with anything I might need help with.

Wealth can’t fix everything. No matter how much money and power you have, when your body betrays you, wealth and power do you little to no good. This has particularly hit home as I manage my stepfather’s affairs. While his wealth affords him the very best senior living available, that wealth can’t fix his Alzheimer’s; it can’t fix the reality that most of his friends have passed.

Legacy is measured in lives touched. I was reminded that the most valuable thing I can do as a human being is to improve the lives of others, and that in doing so, I will live on. Those acts of kindness and caring are the ultimate legacy that I and others can leave.

The signs were there. I realized this started weeks before it came to a head. Even so, I am not sure there was anything I could do about it until it got as bad as it did.

After The Storm

I am a week past hospital discharge and feeling close to normal. There will be more tests and more scopes at shorter intervals, at least for a while. I am not sure I could have done things a lot differently, except maybe going to the hospital while in Boston (one of my emergency room doctors chided me for not doing that).

I continue to live the best life I can, except with slightly more urgency to love my family and friends more and a renewed commitment to making the world a better place