By Steve Moran
This was authored by Alison Fragale, who is a mom, speaker, author, and professor of leadership. It has great application for senior living leaders. (Used with permission. Emphasis mine.)
I tell my teenage son to put his dirty clothes in the hamper.
He mumbles โFine,โ before he stomps away and rolls his eyes.
โDonโt roll your eyes at me,โ I say.
โI didnโt!!โ he yells.
โYes, you did.โ
โI said I would put them away, didnโt I? Whatโs your problem?โ
โฆ and the fun continues โฆ
I believe my son when he says he didnโt roll his eyes.
- Heโs not aware heโs doing it.
- He feels judged unfairly.
And, even if he did do it, he thinks his eyes shouldnโt matter to me. After all, he said โFine.โ
But they do matter to me. And they will matter more to his teachers, his bosses, and his friends if he keeps it up.
He doesnโt get to decide how I interpret his message. I do.
Not because I am his mom.
Because I am his audience.
My sonโs approach is the rookie move. Heโs very authentic, but not at all strategic.
He acts how he wants, doesnโt get good results, gets negative feedback, and then blames his audience for being judgmental idiots.
Even as adults, itโs easy to slide into this mindset. Anytime we say (or think) โI am who I am and anyone who doesnโt like it can screw offโ we are approaching our relationships like a teenage boy.
No one aspires to manage their relationships like a teenage boy (not even teenage boys).
In my work, I am fortunate to meet many talented people, particularly women, who are pros at managing relationships โ whether theyโre trying to impress a boss, ace an interview, get a yes in a negotiation, or avoid a conflict.
Their styles are all different, but they have one thing in common. They work backwards, not forwards.
They start by asking themselves what effect they want to have on their audience.
They are self-aware of how their audience may judge (or misjudge) them.
They donโt abandon their principles, but they do adjust how they show up in the interaction to have the desired effect.
They say, โI am who I am. I am multidimensional, flexible, and perceptive. I know how to read a room.โ
For example, if you have multiple kids you may parent each a bit differently to get what you want from them.
I certainly do. I have one I usually need to yell at, one I need to hug, and one I need to bribe. ๐
You probably wouldnโt say (or even think), โI am who I am and any kid who doesnโt like it can screw off.โ
You adjust. You adapt. You read the room.
Adjusting your approach based on the audience doesnโt make you a phony.
It makes you a pro.
It makes you strategic AND authentic.
And thatโs an unstoppable combination!
In Senior Living โฆ
In senior living, unlike in most industries, leaders have an incredibly nonmonolithic constituency of people they speak to.
- Residents from a different generation, actually a few very different generations
- Mostly highly educated residents and their families who have accumulated enough wealth to pay for senior living
- Peers who have become senior living leaders with vastly different journeys
- Frontline workers who all struggle to make enough money to survive โ many of whom grew up in a foreign country or had parents who grew up in a foreign country, and many for whom English is not their first language
These groups represent different audiences who need to be approached in very different ways. It is incredibly hard, because we all naturally believe that people see the world the way we see the world, and in truth we often see it very differently. If we, like a teenage boy, approach them all the same, we are setting ourselves up for failure and our audiences up for frustration and confusion.