By Mary-Elizabeth Harmon, Ph.D.
“It is more annoying — and more relationship breaking — for you to never ask for anything than for you to ask for too many things.”
How’s that for flipping the script?
That’s a direct quote from business designer and strategist Michelle Warner, and I did a little happy wiggle when I read it in an email she sent last year.
Michelle asserts that asking for help/favors/whatever is among the most important things, if not the most important thing, we can do to help build relationships, and my experience has borne this out many times.
Let’s take my neighbor “Jane,” whose shopping bags disclose that she’s a regular at Trader Joe’s. My mom wanted a kind of cracker they sell, so I asked Jane to pick me up a package.
Neighbor Jane and I started off friendly with each other, but my request for a simple favor kicked our comfort level up. Soon after, she was asking favors of me, which made me feel even more kindly toward her.
So not only was I not annoying my neighbor or she not annoying me by asking for favors, doing that very thing brought us closer together.
But there’s an art to making a “good ask.”
In her podcast, Sequence Over Strategy, Michelle talks about why asking matters and how to do it. Happily, Jane and I were doing something right by asking for specific things that were simple to fulfill.
For example, rather than ask her for a bunch of generic items from TJ’s, I asked her to get one bag of crackers and texted her a photo of the package.
And rather than ask if I could help her son with his homework while she was at work, she asked if I could help him save and submit an electronic document.
Neighbor Jane and I bonded better over favors, but one person’s meat is another one’s poison. Meaning, making a good ask — or even a kind gesture — could have the effect of bothering some folks.
When “Gabby,” a new mother, moved into my building, I slipped a card under her door with my email address on it, which I’d told her parents, who I met in the hallway, I’d do. They were friendly and seemed to welcome my gesture.
Gabby herself … not so much.
Over three separate encounters, I got the distinct feeling that I irritated her.
Villages — caring communities — aren’t “nice to have” but “must-haves” for our health and well-being. Still, if my bids to connect with neighbors are declined, I back off and might consider connecting another time.
Though Gabby hasn’t been warm, she hasn’t been unkind. So I’d certainly send her a nice reply should she ever email me. but … I’m also not planning on approaching her again — this is about caring, not harassing.
And while I can empathize that people are dealing with things that may lead them to be standoffish or even snappy, I’m not willing at this point to struggle to offer care, especially ’cause there are many receptive neighbors in the sea.
What are your thoughts about that?
Whether you’re willing to struggle or not, don’t forget to bond with neighbors over favors!
About the Author
Mary-Elizabeth Harmon, Ph.D., is the founder of Village Company 360. She believes that even small groups of neighbors helping each other can form supportive villages to ease the challenges of aging. A village can be as few as two or three people checking on each other, helping each other, and coming together for mutual support.
I think this is conceptually very appealing. But in some cities, such as Los Angeles, there are not very many opportunities to just ‘meet’ people if you are an octogenarian of keen mind by bit wobbly body. So, first you need the friendship – not easy to make new ones with youngers – and then you can use favors as further bonding.
Thank you, Edna, for your comment. I’m sensitive to what you’re saying and am diligently working to inspire younger people to form connections with older people, particularly in multifamily housing that’s more accessible than the average single family home.
There is no question that as we get older, figuring out places to find and make new friends is tough. It is actually one of the biggest benefits of senior living.